Eating Then, Eating Now

Hi guys! I wanted to tell you guys about how much different I am now from what I was a year ago.  This is also explained on my About Me page, but I feel like writing about it again.

I am, still, a new student at a new school for me, but last year I felt pressure from my friends in a way I never had before.  I noticed that the other girls weren't eating, so I felt like I shouldn't eat either.  I was thankful for the days at school where I played so hard at P.E. that I completely lost my appetite.  That way, I didn't feel hungry so I couldn't feel bad for not eating.  I kept a food journal and wrote down what I ate, an unhealthy obsession that started after I read about it in a book.  I thought and thought about every morsel that I put in my mouth, counting every calorie.  Even though I didn't write my caloric amount down during the day, I would think about it during class and keep track of it throughout the day.  My stomach would growl during P.E., but eventually it would stop and I would just get nauseous, which I used as another excuse not to eat.  If I did eat lunch, it was usually a banana or some Triscuits (6) and a lite laughing cow cheese or celery.  If one of my friends took a Triscuit, I would immediately get mad at them because my body was starving and it knew I needed that food.  (I still never ever ever skipped breakfast, the most important meal of the day which I took a little too literally).  My mom was uncomfortable because she noticed my food journal in my hand the moment I got home from school, writing and tracking and making sure I hadn't gone over my preferred calorie amount.  I was comfortable (meaning not physically but mentally) with anything less than 1000.  My total would usually be around 800, with breakfast being 400, lunch being 100-150 (if any), and 200-400 for dinner.  I was so unhappy with how much eating had gotten into my head and how it was controlling me.  I couldn't think of anything else.  Food was always on my thoughts.  My stomach would growl in second period, but I still wouldn't eat until 4 hours from them, and that was still only 100 or so calories.  I hated my friends, I hated my mom, I hated my life, I hated my food journal, I hated food.  I hated myself.  I would walk to the fridge and open it and close it at random times, my body crying out for food.  My work outs, although only 12 minutes long, took everything out of me; I would be too tired to do anything else (like practice piano, study, read, etc.) so I would go to bed around 8.  I was always freezing cold.  I didn't lose any weight, but I'm not sure if that was really my goal.  There was something reassuring about always controlling my food, my portions, my caloric intake.  In a sick way, I found that I liked how I could hit under 1000 calories just because I could do it and still function.  But I wasn't being me- I wasn't happy, I felt this hatred towards food, and I didn't feel comfortable around other people.  

One day, I was telling my mom how much I hated my food journal.  It stressed me out.  She didn't know why I hated it so much, I think, and I think my attachment with it confused her slightly.  Then, from out of the blue, I decided to throw the devil away.  Immediately, I felt so much better.  A weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  That 3 ounce pad had caused so much grief, so much anxiety, and now it was just gone.  My mom says that was one of the happiest times she's ever seen me.  I bumped up my food intake instantly.  I don't remember what I ate, but it included breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner (snack?).  I was free.  It wasn't like I started gaining weight either; I lost about 10 more pounds without trying to (my 12 minute workouts were done much more effective since I had more energy).  I met peanut butter again.  Since that revelation, I haven't been a perfect eating angel since then, but I haven't gone under 1000 calories.  Sometimes I find myself counting again- adding them up in my head, using those stupid Iphone apps where you log all of your food in and it tells you how much you would was if you continued to eat that way (I do not weight 99 nor 150 pounds, MyFitnessPal...).  These things don't last long, because I tend to get sick of them or end up not caring.  I do sometimes write down what I eat, but only so I'll remember what it was when I post it on the blog (mostly oatmeal, recipes, and packed lunch combos).  

Now, I find that I just try to keep myself full (not stuffed, but to the point where I don't want to eat any more food at that moment).  Breakfast tends to be tricky; I have to be full from 7:20-10:50, so I usually make oatmeal because it fills me up the most while digesting in just enough time :)

(Random oatmeal recipe!)

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie:  1/3 cup oats, 1/2 cup almond milk, 1/2 cup water, 1 Tbsp chia seeds,  1/2 banana, cinnamon, vanilla, pinch of salt, 1 Tbsp peanut butter, raisins <3

I also try to eat salads full of nutrients and healthy ingredients every day because they make me feel my best.  Here's one from Moe's:

It includes:

• Romaine
• Tomatoes
• Corn Salsa
• Cucumbers
• Onions
• Cilantro
• Black Beans (I love how warm they make the salad)
• Freshly Cooked Tofu (watched them cook it O.O)
• Green Salsa as dressing
• Lime

I love salads!  Especially from places like Moe's and Mellow Mushroom, where you can build huge jass salads filled with quality ingredients and great flavors.  I loooooooooooooooove food.

But when I eat salads, they always leave a little room for dessert.  My recent favorite has been Carrot Cake:

OMG.

The icing on this baby was mind blowing.  If you are ever near an Earth Fare, fix that and be in the Earth Fare, and buy a vegan carrot cake.  The citrus in this made me love it.  The cake also didn't give me a stomach ache like most sugary foods do, so I loved it even more.  I split this with my brother, who's also giving veganism a shot.

I do still exercise regularly.  I didn't today because I'm sore from yesterday's workout (frowny face @ jump lunges) and I think Adria (I just typed Adair you guys :) and I are going to go for our long run tomorrow.  We're going to go for 8 miles!  Ack.  Anyway, I still get in some good sweat sessions, going on runs with Adria or doing old Bodyrock workouts or new Zwows.  I find that the squats and the lunges help keep my legs strong for running (not that running doesn't build leg strength on its own!)

Post sweat session ^

Food is not an enemy; it's a part of life that should be enjoyed.  Not eating when hungry is torture- it's like holding your breath or not going to the bathroom when you have to.  It just doesn't make much sense, does it?  

Okay, by now I'm just procrastinating, putting off that homework that's due in 5 days.  Time to learn about Confucius!

 Have you ever struggled with calories and their demonic nature?  How do you feel about them now?

Have a good Friday night!